Knowing that a person is out of your league is not a comfortable thing.
Wanting to smack your head against your desk for all the time you wasted becoming a person you don't want to be... because now you're so far behind that he won't even look back... and somehow it's very important that he does. He single-handedly, just by a simple request, made you a newer person, made you feel as if maybe you weren't so terrible, and you complied, just because there was some kind of light in his eyes that made you think about things that were bigger than you. As if you were touching some sort of grandeur just by listening to him speak so firmly about what he believes.
The idiotic smile that seems to tap against the back of your teeth, wanting out, when you spot him sitting next to his sister... and then the inside of you turning away, because you're sure that he probably doesn't even know your last name... and he probably doesn't care. And it probably doesn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things, but there's always that chance that maybe, this time, it's the big one, and you don't want to be an idiot and mess it up... but you do things like that. He's across the room and he catches your eye and grins lopsidedly, and you smile back too late... he's already gone back to what he was doing, and you're not sure he was even smiling at you anymore.
Why do I always do this to myself?